Fictitious case
Every morning is the same. Anthony, two and a half years old, is not even up yet and he repeats “No daycare! Home mommy…” Despite all my efforts to reassure him and tell him that he will have fun with his buddies, he cries and refuses to get dressed. In the car, he begs, sobs and sometimes throws a tantrum. At the daycare, he clings to me with all his might as if I was driving him to a slaughterhouse! It breaks my heart! I even cry sometimes because I feel so cruel to leave him like this.
Every morning, it takes a long time before I can leave the daycare. I try to distract him by showing him toys, reassuring him as best I can but every time I get going, he clings again. He wants another hug, a last kiss… His educator wants me to leave quickly but I am afraid to give the impression that I abandon him.
After twenty awful minutes, I go to work at last, feeling guilty. Sometimes, I think about quitting my job to stay with my child until he starts school but my husband says that it would be worse an that he should socialize. I also wonder if there are weird things going on in this daycare… otherwise, why would he be so afraid? What should I do?
Separation anxiety
Can you see yourself in this situation? In fact, this child seems to be suffering from what we call separation anxiety. This fear of being separated from his parent, this desire to remain in the comfortable shelter of his family is common among toddlers aged one to two and usually fades after three years old, when they become more comfortable in the group and when they know more about the expectations of their daycare. However, some children will have an anxious temperament for several years and will continue to experience a discomfort of various intensities when they will be separated from their mother and father, especially when they will face a new situation.
As for any form of anxiety, it is common that several members of the same family suffer from it. This natural tendency to worry is often fuelled by traumatic events (car accident, friend who lost a parent, emotional shock) or by the reaction of some people in his environment. This kind of anxiety does not result in fears related to the events of the day but rather in accidents that could involve the parents while the child is not with them and that would prevent them from returning to him.
Pitfalls to avoid
When we talk about anxiety, whether it’s fear of spiders, fear of the dark or claustrophobia, parents regularly fall in one of the two following traps:
A- Ignoring the fear or seeing it as an attempt to manipulate.
The parent will lecture the child (“Stop acting like a baby…”), might even punish him or ridicule his fear (“Come on! Little bugs cannot harm you!”), ignore his fear or try to confront a bit too strongly the subject of the child’s anxiety (for example, throwing a child in a pool when he is afraid of water “so that he learns to overcome his fears”)
B-Overprotecting the child and being overly empathetic.
Some parents will try to avoid as much stress as possible for their child (for example, keeping dogs away because he is afraid of them) or try so hard to reassure them that their body language will confirm that the child has good reasons to be afraid. Often, emotions serve as a model for the child. “If mom seems so scared to leave me, there must be a reason…”
In other cases, the parent who listens and welcomes his child’s fears will be so comforting that they will give too much to a child looking for attention and love. At first, the anxiety may be real but afterwards, the child may over exaggerate his reactions to keep some control over the parent.
What to do?
- Gradually confront your child’s fears: in this case, the child should be looked after regularly for shorter periods of time and as he will get used to the absence of his parents, the periods should lengthen.
- Adopt a warm but reassuring attitude, a strong position, and full of confidence. Establish a short ritual of departure: a kiss, a hug and a “See you later sweetie! Bye!”
- If he cries, be empathetic but without dramatizing: “I know that you are sad but you will be alright in a few minutes… Bye sweetie! I love you! See you later!” KEEP IT SHORT! Your non-verbal attitude must say “Don’t worry, everything is alright.
- Don’t fear tears and don’t try to avoid what scares your child. Some people pay to visit amusement parks and be scared. So when you leave, don’t try to stop your child from crying and don’t try to reassure him at all costs. He is allowed to cry and missing you will not kill him.
- Leave a “transitional object” to your child. This object will make him feel at home and reassure him when he will feel lonely. A blanket, a family picture and even mom’s pyjamas can help him cope with the distance.
- Get your child at the same time every day. He will gradually get a notion of time and develop a sense of confidence. “Nap is over, daddy will be here soon…”
- At home, train him to live with your absence: alternate moments when you play with him and are available with moments when he must play on his own and postpone his attention requirements. For example, take a bath and lock the door. Don’t open it, even if he cries (if daddy is there to take care of any emergency of course)
- Regularly place him in new situations and enrol him in activities where he will be in contact with other children (while you are not there). Before he participates, he might spend the first three sessions sulking.
- Finally, at home, avoid overprotecting him in all spheres of life. The cozier your home is, the less confortable he will be outside. Without rushing him, teach him to comfort himself, to play alone, to be independent, to treat minor injuries, to watch a movie without hugging, etc.
Educators, how can you help Anthony’s mother?
Every morning, I can see the distress of Anthony’s mother. It seems as if she doesn’t know how to leave him without hurting him and unfortunately, she spends too much time arguing with him. For my part, I don’t know how to react. Should I impose and ask the mother to leave, help her and try to reassure him or leave them to it and take over when she leaves? In addition, although most of the time he feels better quickly, sometimes he cries for a long time and wants me to hold him. I must take care of other children and he must socialize. What can I do to help him and help his mother?
This situation is rather common in daycares. Toddlers sometimes have difficulty separating from their parents and may experience a lot of anxiety at that moment. For a sensitive parent, mornings become excruciatingly difficult emotionally. Guilt and the feeling of abandoning their child make them feel bad in addition to the shame of facing the look of the educators every morning while other parents seem to leave their children without a worry in the world. Here are a few tips to help these parents:
- Do not take it personal! It is not you whom he doesn’t like but the fact of leaving his mother. If his reaction upsets you, he will be even more anxious!
- When the child arrives, take some time to welcome him in a gentle and cheerful way. “Hello Anthony! How are you feeling this morning?” Forget his sulky response and add “hmm, you don’t really feel like leaving your mom this morning huh?”
- Agree with the parent on a short morning ritual and help her apply it :Okay dear, give a kiss and a hug and say goodbye, it is time to play with your friends!”
- With kindness, firmness and a smile, take your child with you and invite the parent to leave: “Have a nice day Mrs. Smith. You can go now, we will take care of your little man, and everything will be just fine!”
- When the parent leaves, help change the child’s mind by playing a game that he likes. However, if he decides to cry, sulk or worry, it’s his choice. He should never receive any kind of compensation such as too much attention, too many hugs or a treat “Come here, I will give you some chocolate”.
- If he cries intensely and wants to be in your arms, hold him for two to five minutes and then put him down and suggest a game. Let him cry some more while showing some empathy “Oh! You are very sad aren’t you?” Then hold him a bit more and after five to ten minutes, reassure him, and put him back down.
- Place a visual sequence on the wall to represent the daily routine and help the child understand it “See? There we will have dinner, then, a nap, then we will play and after that, we will draw and then your mother will come back!”
- If the child often expresses his boredom, quickly comfort him and invite him to do something that he can show his parents later: “What do you say we build a big tower with blocks? You can show it to your dad later, I think he will like it!”
- For children who are uncomfortable in a group and need a bit of solitude, set up a quiet area, behind a bookcase for example, where he can play alone when he feels like it. Confined spaces are often comforting for anxious children, like a cocoon.
- At first, don’t force the child to participate in activities with the group. Some children need to watch for a while before being comfortable enough to jump in. However, if the situation persists beyond three to four weeks, start insisting a little bit to integrate one or two children in his game while staying with him to reassure him. Value, without exaggeration, his attempts to be more independent and sociable.
- Every day, tell the parents about their child’s progress. Avoid talking about his difficulties in front of him to avoid stressing him even more and worrying his parents.
- Be patient! To adapt to a new environment, and anxious child may need two months.
